Red Like A Bordello

I was browsing through my past entries to this blog and I noticed something: Most of my entries are bitching! If I did not know me, I would read this and think I am the crankiest person on the planet. And I am not gonna name names, but there are many more grouchy people out there (you know who you are).
For some reason, unless it is a drunken story, I do not like to write about the other sides of my life. Great, now I am showing myself to the world (or the three people who actually read this) as an angry drunk.
In reality I am pretty happy and optimistic. Maybe I have been sucked into the new American ideals imposed by reality TV.......nothing is interesting unless there is conflict. Who wants to read about how I finished a book last night, or how I did not hit that much traffic this morning?
Hmmmm, in order to prove my dedication to embrace the happy as well as the grumpy I will tell a cheerful story. A happy story about the dentist of all things. Last night I went to get two cavities filled, and I was dreading having a numb mouth and tingly face all night. Lo and behold, when I sat down in the chair they informed me they had a new technique of air-abrasion where I would require no novacaine and would feel no pain. A half hour later I was out of there, sans-cavities, with all sensations intact. I went and got a salad and crunched away on it as soon as I got home. Now that is joy.

I am sad. Stuck at work, knowing I will have to be at work tomorrow, Christmas Eve. Where I will sit and do nothing, because we are not busy at all this week. When I could be at home in CT cuddled up with my dog.
Everyday this week I came into work and sat in front of the computer for 9 hours, feeling intelligence and the spark of life leech out of me. My friends are at work but are equally as uninspired, so we have little to say to each other. As my life has suddenly become extraordinarily dull, I cannot even find the moxy to start an interesting topic of conversation.
Everything I find remotely interesting I have googled.
Every smart ass remark I could make to my friends has been used.
All my internet shopping has been completed.
Now all I have left is to sit in my windowless office and be bitter that I am here. Even though I have nothing to do. Even though my boss has come in hours late all week. Even though all my friends have at least tomorrow off (if not more) and are going to be with their loved ones tonight. And I will be alone in my apartment.
Yes, I am whiney. Boo-hoo, poor me, cry me a river. All I know is I want my dog. I wanna chill with the fam. I don't want to run around like a nut tomorrow after work. I want to wake up and drink tea in front of my parent's fake Christmas tree. I wanna see the boy toy. I want these last few hours to pass at a pace quicker than a snail moves!!!!!!!!
Sigh.

Yesterday I was sitting at my desk at work, wasting the day away, when do-do-bloop, an window pops up saying "Bastard" (all names changes to protect assholes) had sent me an IM, did I wish to accept? Not realizing I was about to talk to Bastard, I accepted.
It was my ex Andrew! To my shock he was IMimg me to ask me what I was doing, and if I wanted to try to get a job at his roommate's company.
In my head I was wondering why after three years of not talking to Bastard, after I dumped Bastard because he called me a slut and told me to get out of his house (all because I refused to do something slutty with him) which made me cry (his awesome reaction was to pin me down for two hours not letting me leave), after Bastard tried to win me back by telling me he "loved me because I would do anything for him", after Bastard called me a whore because after we broke up I ended up hanging out with people he was friends with (I guess he forgot we met through the same people), while simultaneously trying to get me to hang out with him, after Bastard saw me and my roomie at a bar two years later and nicely (so I thought, do I never learn?) offered to give us a ride home, then ditched us and the rest of his friends......the stories continue, but I am sure you get the point. He was a bastard.
Oh, silly Bastard, what has gotten into you? Why oh why did you think it would be cool to try to talk to me? Unless you are contacting me because you realized you have serious mental health issues and it is part of a twelve step program for your ex-girlfriends to kick you in the balls, I don't want to hear from you. Actually having to kick you in the balls would get me too close to you. But I do not mind pointing and laughing if that would help.

Many years ago I ended an affair I had been having with a substance guaranteed to have me bouncing off the walls and unable to sleep. Unfortunately it had started having adverse effects on me, like nervousness and crankiness and nausea. I had gone years without touching the stuff until a few days ago when I got an insatiable craving. Oh, I did it. I walked downstairs and bought myself a CAFFEINATED diet Pepsi. I drank it. And I liked it. A lot.
What has followed is an endless string of crushed cans and bouncing knees and babbling stories. I am happy as long as it is coursing through my veins. I stole quarters from my boss so I could feed my addiction. I bought bottles to bring to work every day. I feel alive again!
I sit at my desk, my mind working at dizzying speeds, thinking of new ways to get caffeine in my system. I am gonna buy green tea. I am gonna drink Red Bull. Mountain Dew. Mocha-chinos. Expresso!
Oh, legalized speed, how could I have stayed away so long?

24 years ago a little baby girl was born to the world. In June. June 17th to be exact. Which made her......a gemini.
Obviously this little girl is me, I am sure you can tell if you have read the other posts that I am fairly ego-centric and ALL the posts are about me.
Anyhow, on the up-side, geminis are charming, intelligent, knowledgeable on many subjects, quick witted, always ready to have fun.
On the down-side, they are flighty. I read horoscopes that say I am easily distracted, I will never have a hobby for more than a short period of time, I will never be passionate about my career, and I will never have a satisfying long term relationships. And I think to myself, "That is such bull shit! I am SO capable of staying dedicated."
Then I look at the pile of watercolors in my room that I played with for a week, bought lots more supplies to and never touched again. I think about the fact that I am aware of lots of organizations I could join concerning my job and I just don't feel like it. I think about how I have moved six times in the last two years, and plan on moving twice more in the next six months. I consider the fact that I leave my apartment two weekends out of every month because if I stay in the same place too long I get bored and depressed. And I look at the trail of guys I have dated and then lost interest in.
I feel this happening again and again. And I wonder if I have to just tell myself, "Shut up, you are not bored with this! You are just being a gemini! Get over it, not everything is gonna be super-fun!" Am I doomed to wander the earth searching for the next bit of amusement? Will I never settle down and be content with what is within my grasp? I would answer these questions, but I have lost interest in writing this......

Today I am grumpy. The kind of grumpy where if someone bumps into me I have to fight the urge to punch them in the gut. The kind of grumpy where the idea of punching someone in the stomach makes me happy. And then grumpy cause I can't do it without getting arrested or fired. I wanted my boss to be rude to me today. Because that way I could throw a temper tantrum and storm out. At the moment he is the only one I have to take my frustration out on.
I also envisioned different scenarios where my friends could be rude to me, and how I would make them cry with my cutting remarks.
Unfortunately I am too fucking nice to really do any of this stuff. Which makes me grumpy. But thinking about it releases some of the tension. However I realize that even though I do not act on these sadistic thoughts, there is something wrong with the fact that I even have them. So if you fuck with me, I will make you cry, punch you in some soft spot (whichever I deem to be your most sensitive), and then will leave you in a huff so you can ponder why in the world I am acting like I am possessed. Of course this will all be in my head. But you will see the smile it brings to my face, and think to yourself, "Wow, is she in a great mood today."

UUUUuuuuuurrrrrgh......I am BLOATED. So bloated I sat down and the snap to my pants popped open. So bloated that even though I am sweating I am keeping my jacket on so I can leave them that way. I think I am holding the equivalent of two extra gallons of water in my gut. My skin is stretched to the point where if you stuck a fork in me juices would run out, just like the Thanksgiving turkey your mom makes ever year.
I want a MuuMuu.

Summer is almost over and this makes me a lil sad.....it is already getting darker out earlier, trees are turning pretty colors.....pretty soon people will want to crawl back into thier apartments to wait out the viciousness of the new england winter. Boooooooo.
No more outdoor bars, no more weekend trips to the beach, no more driving with the windows down. Arrgh!
Why did I decide to plant myself in Massachusetts? Maybe because me sassiness will not allow me to make friends who can deal anywhere else. So as punishment for my attitude problem I have to walk very quickly to work through 12" high piles of slush so my nose does not fall off of my face. Can't wait!
Anyhow, this sudden melancholy fit has inspired me to listen to lots of pretty yet depressing music...Radiohead, Coldplay, the Garden State soundtrack (get it! it is melt your heart bittersweet). And this does not really help my mood. But it makes me want to curl in my bed and lay there, so considering that is what everyone else will be doing for the next 8 months anyhow I might as well join the crowd. Sigh.

Today is one of the best days I have had in a long time. Why, you ask? Because I am leaving to start my cruise adventure tonight, so I am looking at a full nine days without work (JOY) and I got a raise today, without me having to ask or mention anything! Even more joy!
Lady luck smiles on me. I plan to take advantage of the next week and squeeze in as much fun and amusement as I possibly can. I vow to leave behind stresses like annoying boys, breaking cars, and pervy men. Fuck you alarm clock, I have no need of thee! Goodbye commuter rail, my underwear-less bum will not warm your cushy plastic seats. Stupid customers, find someone else to annoy so much they role their eyes right in your face! Cell phone, perhaps now I can break your vicious hold on every aspect of my life.....Adieu, adieu!!!!! In other words, lata dorks!
(And hello to booze and excess of food, laughing and swimming, kareoke, more booze, snorkeling, shopping for silver, diving with stingrays......joy joy JOY!)